Chris Pine’s directorial debut Poolman is a movie I was really rooting for. Chris Pine is probably my favourite Chris (come at me Hemsworth fans) and I’ve enjoyed almost everything he’s acted in.

Emphasis on “almost”.

Poolman started out as a joke between Pine and director Patty Jenkins on the set of Wonder Woman 1984 and it should’ve stayed that way. The film is so messy, incoherent, and a chore with its 100-minute runtime. Not even the all-star cast and some decent cinematography can save this from being not only the festival’s biggest disappointment but also the worst film of the year. 

The cast is surprisingly decent, and it almost makes you wonder if they signed on without seeing the script (we’ll get to that later). Pine, Danny DeVito, Annette Benning, DeWanda Wise, Ray Wise, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Clancy Brown are some of the well-known names in this cast and they all do their best. DeVito and Benning’s characters, named Jack and Diane (yes, like the John Mellencamp song), fill the trope of the funny old couple well and put a half smile on my face.

The script, co-written by Pine, is without a doubt the film’s weakest point. It’s messy and has numerous loose ends. The film, which follows Pine’s character Darren unraveling a crime syndicate stealing water in LA, suddenly has a subplot about a Golden Girls drag show (which I’d totally pay to see by the way) coming out of nowhere then disappearing after the one scene it’s in. Pine also has the bright idea of having his character be the titular character from Eminem’s ‘Stan’ and send crazed fan mail to Erin Brokovich, which goes untouched for half the movie. Oh, and I barely mentioned the talking lizard scenes. If that all sounds weird and confusing, that’s because it is. There’s too much going on and none of it makes much sense. There’s definitely potential here but it this reads like a first draft, not a final cut TIFF movie.

I’m guessing that friends and family who saw Poolman were too scared to give Pine any constructive criticism because this movie surely would’ve benefited from it. Poolman is a disaster of a directorial debut for Pine and a step-by-step guide of what not to do in your first movie. If Pine should attempt to direct again in the future, I hope he does everything completely differently because Poolman didn’t work at all.